Back to the Basics
A tongue in cheek review of the old days

News-Press Waves Article - January 2006 - Cherri Wood

The Good Ole Days - Photo by Gary Wood

Things were different back then. It was rare to see a woman on the dive boats that ran off the New Jersey, Delaware and Maryland coast. I made my first dive in 1972, almost 8 years after my husband became immersed in the scuba adventure, and since that time, the dive community has changed dramatically.

I was digging through some old papers a few weeks ago and came across an article I had written back then. It could probably apply to almost any sport and any gender but it was my humorous attempt at guidance for the stay-behind scuba spouse. You might read between the lines and find just a little sarcasm there. It’s easy to see whyt I decided to get involved in diving.

Hope you enjoy this brief visit into the past.

Basic Scuba Wife I

There are numerous books and manuals written for, about and by Scuba Divers. There are articles on what to do, what not to do, and what you should do in case you do what you shouldn’t have done. Naturally, there are courses offering basic, advanced, very advanced and SUPER DIVER lessons, not to mention the courses available to teach teachers to teach all of these courses. All this goes into the making of the Complete Scuba Diver.

I think the time has come for someone to mention the Scuba Diver’s wife. I have thought about this for some time, but kept stalling when it came to do a title for the article. I tried the Women’s magazine approach which read “Decorate your Bathroom in Early Scuba” and which began “Don’t throw away that old blue flipper, picture it as a novel soap dish.” I then tried the Love Magazine approach- “My Neighbors Found Out My Husband’s Secret and Now They Won’t Leave Us Alone.” There was always the dramatic approach with a title like “The Continuing Saga of Apartment 35B” with lines such as “We leave today’s episode with these thoughts – Will Euphoria find happiness with Diver Dan, Did Diver Dan get his tank VIP’d like he promised or will the tank explode when he hits the bumps on the Parkway? Tune in next week, same time, and find out.” Enough of that. The possibilities were endless, so I gave up trying and decided that my husband’s list of priorities would make better copy. They are listed as follows: 1. DIVING, 2. DIVING, 3. DIVING, 4. DIVING, 5. DIVING, 6. DIVING, 7. me, 8. DIVING and 9. DIVING. (Note: I didn’t check the order with my husband as the only variable is me and that depends on the weather).

The first priority for the Scuba Wife would be a basic course probably titled BASIC SCUBA WIFE I. The only prerequisite for this course would be an even temper and possibly a muscle-building course at Vic Tanny’s. The format for this course would be as follows:

1. How to Wave Goodbye at the Dock. This is not difficult to learn and you will have plenty of chances to gain experience. It’s all a matter of being prepared and knowing when your diver plans to go diving. Guidelines and help come mostly from your local weather service. If, when you call your local weather service, they are announcing blinding snow storms, pea soup fog, or winds ranging anywhere from 12-17 on the Beaufort Scale, there is a mild chance that your diver will have to stay home. ONLY, mind you, if the roads are blocked so badly that the car can’t make it to the nearest body of water. If you are knowledgeable in this respect it won’t be difficult to wave and smile (the smile eventually becomes a reflex action, frozen on, but easily removable when the next rule occurs).

2. Artifacts. There is a lot to be said for the artifacts a diver brings up, but most of it can not be sent through the U.S. Mail. The only conclusion to be reached is to follow the directions in Rule 3 and to remember that a diver does not consider a dark, locked closet in the basement an attractive display area for his treasures.

3. Home Decorating. There are many basic rules for home decorating that any diver’s wife should know. The main one, however, is the most important and reads as follows: “If it is mineral, hang it on a wall; if it is animal, dead or alive, boil it and hang it on a wall.” In the event that you run out of walls, resort to bookshelves and windowsills. Do not, under any circumstances, fill it with dirt and make a planter, as it will not be appreciated. If you are an artsy-craftsy sort of person, do your own thing. For example, if you are a whiz at ceramics, make ashtrays and pass them off to your unsuspecting relatives as birthday, anniversary, and all-occasion gifts. My forte’ is liquid plastic and anything that is small enough gets put into plastic and is passed off as paperweights. If it is very large, I put it in the middle of the coffee table and declare it the newest thing from Scandinavia. In case of fishy odors, get some very strongly scented candles or incense and burn them night and day.

4. Apartment Dwelling. If you are one of the fortunate couples who own a basement or a back yard, you can disregard this part of the course. My guess is that most of you aren’t that lucky. For some unknown reason, divers seem to settle in apartments. I suspect that this stems from a fear of having to spend good diving days mowing lawns, painting houses, or shoveling snow. Don’t despair. Someone may yet come up with a minimum care home, made with plastic walls and artificial grass (probably a diver), and according to the latest medical reports, men shouldn’t shovel snow. Anyway, it will give you something to do while he explores the icy depths. At any rate, the bathroom is the focal point of the diver’s apartment. At any given time, you can walk into our bathroom (a trick in itself), and be greeted by a wetsuit swaying in the breeze. You have to be careful not to trip on the weight belt drying on the bathmat (it can’t be put in the tub because the other gear may be scratched by the weights). The tub gives the appearance of a do-it-yourself kit; with a little glue you could build your own diver to specifications. I should mention here that you are not usually troubled by tanks in the bathtub except for a short period of time when they are being rinsed. They are usually left to dry on the living room floor, and you should be reminded that when you run the vacuum cleaner during the week, avoid the valves!

5. Basic Equipment for the Scuba Wife. 1 very large pot – large enough to hold lobsters, crabs, or large pieces of whatnot encrusted with barnacles and various other growths that can usually be boiled off. Include also about 15 cookbooks ranging from how to clean fish to what to do with a whelk if you are the adventurous type. If your cookbooks don’t offer help for your particular problem, don’t hesitate to call a few local seafood restaurants. We once called about a lobster that had died in transit and had been dead for about an hour by the time it reached the pot. Our local restaurant was very helpful. They said not to eat it under any circumstances. The second one (we don’t give up easily where lobster is concerned) said go ahead and eat it, it wouldn’t hurt anyone. Trying for a third vote to tip the scales one way or the other, we called another restaurant who said they didn’t really know and suggested we try it and see what happened. The lobster was cooked and reports say it was delicious. I didn’t have any because I thought someone should be well enough to drive the others to the hospital and explain how they were poisoned.

6. Definite Don’ts. These are numerous and hard to define. You usually find out about them after it is too late to do anything about them and experience is the best teacher, so I will leave the rest of them for surprises.

DON’T catch colds, flu, virus or ear infections or you may wind up wearing surgical masks and sleeping alone.

DON’T mention seasickness in any way, shape or form.

DON’T let the supply of Dramamine run low.

DON’T go to the supermarket and expect to find room in the trunk for your groceries.

DON’T refer to that old rust covered gas can as a piece of junk (or any other junk they bring home for that matter). Junk must be called ARTIFACTS.

DON’T make enemies with the person who runs the local dive shop. If you do that, who will unload those sets of doubles from your car when you are sent to get air fills.

DON’T ask your husband where you stand on his list of priorities!